View Profile AJ

31, Male

Amish Country, Ohio

Joined on 4/14/03

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AJ's News

Posted by AJ - November 13th, 2009

Want to train a goldfish to be able to outswim the toilet flush? It's very simple, and it only takes one month of training. After you have obtained a large muscular goldfish in its prime, follow these steps.

1. Diet. You need to get him on a diet that will build lean muscle. Simplest way to do that is to fill a glass with muscle milk and place your goldfish in it for about 45 seconds. As he becomes stronger, you will be able to keep him in there longer, but if he dies the first time you put him in for 45 seconds, it was weak of heart. This is a great way of weeding out a weak fish right from the get-go. Make sure that you allow the milk to become room temperature. No more, no less, to help him simulate the transition from his warm tank to the cold toilet water.

2. Training. To begin training, plug a sink and fill it up. Then place a metal screen over the drain and put the fish in while it's still full. Goldfish aren't the smartest creatures. That is the main obstacle to overcome. By using a metal screen, when the drain sucks up the last of the water, your fish will get dragged across the metal screen if he doesn't fight against the flow and manage to flop away from the drain near the end. This teaches them quickly to swim furiously against flows of water. Again, if your fish is weak of heart, this will weed it out. That screen fucks their shit up. Do this at least 30 to 40 times over a period of a couple weeks to get him in shape while adding in proper diet.

3. Final steps. If your fish has made it this far, it is a fighter. It has developed a look in his eye that shows he is a warrior. He's battle scarred, and he's seen combat and conquered. Now, it is time for his final test. Your fish isn't a balanced fighter. He knows one scenario. The sink. As I said, it's not a smart creature, but it has become dedicated. You must make it understand that at any time it can be called upon to fight for its life. To do this, we bring in hell week. Hell week will break your fish down to nothing and bring it back up higher than you ever thought possible.

During hell week, you will wake the fish at 0430 every morning. Place a screen over the sink and turn on both nozzles full blast. Leave him there for an hour, and as the days go by, increase the amount of time he stays in there. As soon as he has completed this task, he can have chow. Take him straight from the sink and place him into a glass of muscle milk. He should be able to survive for 2 minutes at a time in there now. After his two minutes, place him back into his hell week barracks: a cereal bowl which must be placed in a PITCH BLACK space so the fish can't see anything. Also, find an audio track of baby goldfish screaming in pain over being anally raped and play it over and over where your fish can hear it. If you can't find a track, ask these guys to make you one.

At 1800, roughly 12 hours later, you put him in the toilet. The second he hits the toilet bowl use a wooden spoon to stir the bowl. Don't spin it so that he has absolutely no control and is just bashing around the walls. The point of the exercise is to have him be very close to outswimming your whirlpool, but barely not being able to. Once you get bored of doing this, place him in a glass of muscle milk again for 30 seconds (don't give him time to eat a full meal.) Put him back in his ceral bowl and leave him there until 0430 the next morning for wake-up. Any time you wake up to piss though or something like that during the night, slam a spoon up against the side of his bowl a few times to fuck with his head some more. Continue this process for exactly 1 week.

At the end of this week, if your fish has survived, he is a champion. He has a strong will to live, and will surely prevail in his task. Give him two weeks to recover, and see how strong your fish now looks. After two weeks, he is ready.

4. Day of warm-up. Do some basic sink exercises to get him back into the groove of things for a day or two before you attempt the flush. On the day of, place him in a glass of water and put the glass in the toilet so that when you flush the toilet, the water in the glass won't be affected. You just want him to see the power of the toilet. Flush it a few times. He knows the toilet from hell week. It will remind him of the one task he couldn't overcome. He will be determined. Place him in the toilet. He will swim around aggressively. He is in the best shape of his life. All of his training has come down to this moment and he knows it. IT'S TIME.

5. Flush him down the toilet.

Look at this fucking combat killer. He's ready to go. The finished product.

I am goldfish trainer and so can you!

Posted by AJ - November 8th, 2009

Especially Alyeska. The lower 48 sucks my ass.

I miss Alaska

Posted by AJ - November 6th, 2009

Fuck you and fuck your mom.

A song for the furries

Posted by AJ - October 23rd, 2009

What/who pisses you off more than anything in the world and why?

Posted by AJ - October 18th, 2009

Somebody made a thread about trolling this website, omegle.com today, and I'd never heard of the place, and I have no experience with trolling, but I gave it a shot, and this is what went down.

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: whaet is u r naem, adresse, pen numbre for teh credat cadr, soshul secruty numbra and u famly naems?
You: redy for to seys whut. i has a peen and eh pepars redy for to writ.
Stranger: okay let me go get my purse and give them to you..
You: okey thainks. is for polis to chaes. they eh chase for to go after my seester and eh not for me. in eed for teh numbras plz.
Stranger: my name is bob sagat, i live at 1600 pennsylvania ave washington dc 20500, my phone number is 218-330-8004
You: bob sagat! form tev with eh twin show!
Stranger: no
Stranger: not him
You: u can't has ben on teh tev shoiw?
You: i wus sur it wus for haim.
Stranger: okay first of all, where are u from?
Stranger: or are u like 5
You: teh polis seys it is peen numbra wut i need for teh makes money for to pay.
You: for credat cadr.
You: i can has plz.
Stranger: are u from mexico?
You: i donat mattre. is from intret eh for caek and peen numbras.
You: plz to has ur peen numbras kthxbai.
Stranger: what is a peen numbras?
You: for credat cadr.
Stranger: a pin number?!!?!
You: yais.
Stranger: omg youre crazy stupid
Stranger: NO
You: wut?
Stranger: that is called STEEELING
You: but u said it wus!
Stranger: and its ILLEGAL
You: but is for teh polis eh may seester!
You: is WROING!
Stranger: speedy gonzales from of everybodies seeester
Stranger: lol i mean
Stranger: "speedy gonzales friend of everybodies seester"
You: teh poliz neds maney for to peh eh fyne and for to maek a prorbraton for nevar. :(
You: dais is meh job for et wus.
You: for to fend peen numbras.
Stranger: no comprende amigo
Stranger: PEEEEN
Stranger: no comprende
Stranger: yo quiero taco bell
You: i must has moneys for eh poliz.
You: for to fyne.
Stranger: then get a JOB
You: i em yung for job. has to wruk at nike NOWORES!
Stranger: so then save up money
Stranger: and pay your fine to the polisss
You: is to long. needs et for naxt shatunday.
Stranger: this joke is getting old
You: u betr beh in ur pruse feindin ur credat crads.
You: for ta miel.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Posted by AJ - October 9th, 2009

I think the thread got deleted by a mod who didn't realize that it already had a bunch of support. I'm gonna pm a couple showing them the newsposts and how many people were involved and most likely get this thing rolling. I'll let all of you know when I get a response.


For a long time, I've been thinking of how NG could have a place where users could have photoshop competitions like on somethingawful, and I'd like to run the idea past you guys. My inspiration for this idea comes from Photoshop Phriday, where somethingawfuls "forum goons" post photoshops in a thread based off of one particular subject or base pic and an admin picks the best ones and compiles them into a collection.

I'd like to do something similar to this on NG in the form of a photoshop club. The way it would work is that each month or two weeks, there would be a base pic or a theme that I would put out on the thread. Any user could send their idea for a competition to me in a pm, and I would pick the one I thought has the most potential. For each competition you would be limited to 3 shops. We would pick people who could judge these competitions and rate each picture. The top 10 pictures with the highest scores would give the user that created them points according to where they ranked. 1st - 100 points, 2nd - 90 points, etc, and there would be a roster that I would make to keep track of how many points each user had.

The submissions would be rated under the following criteria:

Quality of the image: 1 - 10. 10 being the highest.
Humor: 1 - 10.
Creativity: 1 - 10.

The judges would vote 1 through 10 on each category, meaning there is a possible 30 points.

I think this would be a fun idea because it would motivate people to make very funny high quality shops, and over time would generate into a thread with pages and pages of laughs in it. I think it'd be a really fun thing to do for people who photoshop, not to mention it would be a good way to show their abilities to NG, and for people who don't photoshop, it'd be a fun thread to look through just to get some laughs. Please leave some feedback in the comments section.

I'm not going through all of the hassle of creating this difficult of a system until I'm sure a certain number of people would be willing to do it.

Posted by AJ - September 24th, 2009

Thanks to how widely fucking popular I am, I got TEN CENTS from my userpage ads this month. That's right. Ten cents of U.S. currency from people who can't stop themselves from clicking on my profile to try and get a glimpse into what type of person I am. Don't get jellyous. Not everyone can be as awesome as me. It's ok. Just keep coming back so I can save up my fitty bucks and get paid for being cool. God knows I earned it. AWWWW YEAH.

P.S. Press CTRL + F5. :P

Cough it up NG.

Posted by AJ - September 11th, 2009

Definitely the week of the upsets. The Jets was my favorite one, because whenever an underdog talks shit before a game, they usually get destroyed, but the Jets backed it up. Nice work by them. How the Bears won is beyond me, but I bet they're going to be the favorite over Seattle next week as a result. Detroit stuck with Minnesota for the first half! They actually looked decent for a bit too! Is that the Lions good work paying off, or were the Vikings just playing sloppy? The game of the week for me was definitely the Giants, Cowboys game. Holy shit. That game was intense as hell. Haha. Anyways, here is the standings as of now. If I messed something up, let me know so I can fix it before the next roster.

Week 2 Standings

Most Wins This Week:
36Holla, pepeatumi, Molotov - 10 wins

Most Losses This Week:
EternitySpent - 11 losses

[Rank] [ W - L ] [ Win% ] [ User, Win% Rank ]
>>>01 ] [ 22 - 9 ] [ .709% ] [ 36Holla, 2 ]
>>>--- ] [ 22 - 9 ] [ .709% ] [ pepeatumi, 2 ]
>>>03 ] [ 21 - 10 ] [ .677% ] [ reverend, 3 ]
>>>--- ] [ 21 - 10 ] [ .677% ] [ Molotov, 3 ]
>>>05 ] [ 20 - 11 ] [ .645% ] [ jonthomson, 4 ]
>>>--- ] [ 20 - 11 ] [ .645% ] [ Tluck-Person, 4 ]
>>>07 ] [ 18 - 13 ] [ .580% ] [ michelinman, 6 ]
>>>--- ] [ 18 - 13 ] [ .580% ] [ Fro, 6 ]
>>>09 ] [ 16 - 15 ] [ .516% ] [ EternitySpent, 7 ]
>>>10 ] [ 13 - 3 ] [ .dunno% ] [ TheBlackDahliaMurder, 1 ]
>>>11 ] [ 9 - 6 ] [ .600% ] [ Crashman, 5 ]
>>>12 ] [ 6 - 10 ] [ .375% ] [ SlntCobra1, 8 ]

Week 3 Schedule

Kansas City Chiefs @ Philadelphia Eagles:
Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens:
New York Giants @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
Atlanta Falcons @ New England Patriots:
Tennessee Titans @ New York Jets:
Green Bay Packers @ St. Louis Rams:
San Francisco 49ers @ Minnesota Vikings:
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans:
Washington Redskins @ Detroit Lions:
Chicago Bears @ Seattle Seahawks:
New Orleans Saints @ Buffalo Bills:
Miami Dolphins @ San Diego Chargers:
Denver Broncos @ Oakland Raiders:
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals:
Indianapolis Colts @ Arizona Cardinals:
Carolina Panthers @ Dallas Cowboys:

Posted by AJ - August 9th, 2009

I made this under the category of romantic poems based off words that rhyme with wolverine...

Once upon a Halloween, I lay upon thy trampoline
Looking back on the day I had seen.
As I looked at the skies, I was rudely surprised
by the sound of my music as it died...
What was once glycerine, was replaced by a teen,
Sinai Rose, LOL's what she sings.
Who is this serpentine who hath done this to me?
replaced music with garbage and things..
Her presence was known when the smell hit my nose,
that of bagels and rich tangerine...
Tears filled my eyes, for that perfume was a disguise,
always worn by my sweet Geraldine.
WHAT THE FUCK? I then screamed, for this song was obscene,
The lyrics nothing more than OMG.
She moved her head near, oh right next to my ear,
Quoth my lady: I fucked Mr. Clean....

That Mr. Clean is a sexy bitch, no? Drop me some love about how I broke it down NG.


Posted by AJ - July 18th, 2009

This is where you submit ideas as to what you think would be a fun topic for a photoshop competition for the Photoshop Competition Club. Ideas do not need to have a base pic. All you need to do is bring up a theme. Some examples are Unlikely Political Campaigns, Advertisements of the Christ, and Signs of Our Times. These types of topics leave a much wider variety for photoshoppers to experiment with, making the results much more creative and fun. You can simply bring up a base pic, but it had better be a damn good one. To submit an idea for the thread, leave a comment on this newspost that obeys the following guidelines.

1. Be creative. The club is meant to be a serious competition between serious photoshoppers. Don't bother putting something like photoshop this MS cock drawing I did, because we're not going to bother with it. Not to say that a submission can't be immature, just make sure that there is a lot of potential for your idea, and it leaves a broad variety of directions a photoshopper can go with it.

2. To post an idea, leave a name for your idea, for example, if your idea is to photoshop Obama as a terrorist, (lame idea I know, it's just an example) you'd probably want to name it Photoshop Obama the Terrorist.

3. Description. Make sure you give a description for your idea. For the above, it would be "For Photoshop Obama the Terrorist, users must submit images of Obama showing him as a terrorist. Putting him in middle eastern clothing, having him commit terrorist acts, and things of that nature would all fit." You don't need to go too far with it, just make sure I can understand the idea you're trying to get across.

4. Base pic. If your idea includes a base pic that you think would be a good basis for a competition, post a link to the image in your comment. If the image is saved on your hard drive, but it's not on the internet, go to imageshack.us and upload the picture there.

5. VOTING. To vote on a topic idea, post a comment saying I vote for (name of topic idea.) For now, first idea to get 3 votes will be accepted.

5. DON'T POST ANY COMMENTS ON THIS NEWSPOST OTHER THAN TOPIC IDEAS OR VOTES PLEASE. I want to try and keep this as far away from a clusterfuck as I can. Any posts here that aren't submissions will be deleted.

All this being said, you're welcome to begin posting submissions now. :p